A Guide to a Gender Fluid Marriage
This is written for all the millions of men in committed relationships stuck playing a role that prohibits them from finding themselves. I would love to share other's tips and thoughts who have achieved gender fluid marriage please email me firstname.lastname@example.org or DM us on social accounts
I lived 10 years married, hiding from myself and from her. Well, I didn't exactly hide from myself, I explored being feminine though porn. But it was lonely, based in fear and shame. I was sure that she would at best lose respect for me if we knew. I was wrong about it all.
Today I live as a gender fluid person with her in a relationship that is roughly 100x stronger, sexier, deeper, more loving, satisfying and energizing. She bought me my first high heels!!! We buy lingerie and super sexy dresses for each other and ourselves. We have kids. We have sex like we are 18 (we are in our late 30s). Finding yourself is magical but being found and finding each other puts a multiplier effect on magic. Everything in life goes better, is more fun and successful when you get to operate off of that. We are monogamous.
What I lay out below is written as directions. To be honest, that's my hope - that with this effort will begin the effort that ends up unlocking 100 million couples from fear and gives them the gift of each other.
The steps below are not really in order, only sort of. And what I'm describing took me 5 years of building. Please be patient with yourself and your partner. Don't be reckless, don't act out of anger or fear. Be huge though, when it comes to understanding and having empathy with the fears she will have. Society has given her no narratives to follow - the one she was given says you are going to leave her to be gay. If you want to keep her and achieve gender fluidity you have to help her evolution gently.
Step 1 : Project Adoration
Do everything you could do to treat her like a princess and a queen. Defend her, fight for her, adore her, support her. Do errands for her, cook, clean - leave flowers on the table, the types she loves most. She is always right. Watch shows she loves and remind her how much you love to see her react to the world. Do not be an annoying straight dude/frat guy. Buy wine and get her talking about something that matters and deeply listen. Don't try to solve things as she talks, instead listen, don't mansplain. Be her girlfriend. Her best friend.
Step 2 : Project Hot Body
Get your body in shape if you let it go. Take it to the next level if you're in a good place. This is a form of respecting her. She's beautiful to you. Impress her. Like when you thought you couldn't get her. Make yourself desirable. Be vegan out of respect for other lives - if you want to be a burger eating steak loving dude then just stop reading right now. Think of the feminine energy - protecting and supporting. If you need to kill the cutest bunny in the world to make sure she and you survive then you do that, but start tapping into everything society told you wasn't your role. Excercise daily. Your body wants to be sexy and happy. If you think you can just skip this step, there are many paths through life but the one I'm explaining isn't yours. When she sees how hard you work, an hour every day, knowing you are trying, it will build a foundation that you are going to need. Set long term goals do you don't give up. It doesn't matter how you look now, 5 years of a daily cardio habit and eating like this (avoid carbo loading!!) and any body will be hot. You want this body and you're going to need it :) you can start to get smooth by shaving , it's ok. Tell her your getting nueoritic as you get older and the hairs bug you, a relic of the past from caveman days. Don't be ashamed of becoming smooth as you get hotter. Hair really does just get in the way of a sexy lean body. I'll write a separate post on hair (fucking body hair!!) later.
Step 3 : She Cums First
Make it safe for her to explore her fantasies. Trust her. Build trust and safety and adoration. With the right wine or preferably also a joint or two, you can edge into the conversation saying you heard this hilarious comedian (Amy Schumer or one of her friends I forget) say that she would be absolutely horrified if any of her fantasies actually came true. Then you can say that someone else said "everyone's a pervert can we get over it". Ask her to tell you her worst fantasy - the ones she would never want to actually happen. You have to ask her if she came and make it so so so safe for her to say if she didn't, if she'd like to go on, if she'd like to stop and try later. Don't rush her, don't pressure her. You can do these things because you can imagine how a girl would want to be treated. Trust it believe in it, let yourself be a girl on the in first.
Step 4 : Start Talking
Start talking about roles with her. Not sexual, but how people battle with their roles. Tell her that maybe the first step to finding yourself is rejecting a role that was given to you. Find non sexual examples of yourself and maybe of her.
Step 5 : THE Conversation
You are finally ready for THE conversation. It is terrifying. Be vulnerable to her. Be nervous. Be cute. Be loving. She has to be in the right mood. Say that the talk about roles has you thinking and that you've had a fantasy/secret for a long long time that you've never told anyone. This isn't a sexual moment or conversation. Do not try to dress that same night or to have anything happen. Tell her that you are fine never exploring it. Tell her that for you the idea isn't in conflict with wanting her. Reassure her that this is not leading to something that takes you away from her but the opposite. Don't rush her to accept it. You'll have to say what it is so just say it - I think of myself as a girl sometimes. Flow from there.
Step 6 : OMG Dress With Her
The first moment as a girl in front of her!!! It should only come after the talk has gone well. Don't rush it. Your talks might last hours, days, weeks, months or years. For me it was one night of talking and the next night was the first session dressed. Have fun!!!!!! It is VITAL in the first sessions to make sure she still cums. To care the she does, and to be able to have her cum in front of you as a girl - amazing and important. It could be tempting to end to the center of attention and become selfish. Don't let that happen!!! You are a pretty girl now but she is still the princess queen.
Step 7: Brace for Mini Collapse
Prepare for a delayed reaction panic attack from her. Encourage her to express doubts and fears. If anything, over explain everything. Remind her that she is more important, that the gender fluidity is optional, the relationship comes first. But be you. Be true. Be vulnerable and be honest.
You'll probably have a pretty hard delayed crash/panic attack too. The highs are so very high that it's just impossible not to have a bit of a counter. Be strong but be true - society taught you not to cry but it's a lie. Be you. Trust in chasing the truth. The low isn't that low. Be vulnerable to her, don't cloak a crash in anger/fear. Wear that on your sleeve when you need to. But then wake up and let it go. The world is waiting for you. For the two of you.
Step 8: Project Sunlight
Be light, be sun, have fun. It's so silly for everyone to freak out so much, what are they all so terrified of? Keep it simple and beautiful and light. You are an explorer. You are the future.
Please send us your stories, tips, questions!! Andrea@fluidity.love or you can DM us on social accounts